Zimbabwe Says Its People Will Walk Back Home the Same Way They Walked to South Africa

HARARE — The Government of Zimbabwe has announced that it has developed a comprehensive, cost-effective, and environmentally friendly repatriation plan for Zimbabweans wishing to leave South Africa.

The plan is simple.

"Walk," officials confirmed.

Speaking at a press briefing attended by journalists, confused diplomats, and several people already wearing hiking boots, a government spokesperson said Zimbabwe could not justify spending millions on buses and airplanes when citizens had already demonstrated exceptional walking abilities on their journey south.

"We have checked our records," said the spokesperson. "Most of our citizens arrived in South Africa using a combination of walking, hitchhiking, running from border patrols, and pure faith. We therefore see no reason why they cannot use the same transport system in reverse."

The announcement reportedly saved the government billions of dollars.

Officials say returning citizens will receive a complimentary map, a motivational WhatsApp sticker, and a bottle of water to be shared among approximately fourteen people.

According to government estimates, the average Zimbabwean has already walked enough kilometres in their lifetime to qualify for honorary membership in several marathon clubs.

"We are not abandoning our people," the spokesperson clarified. "We are simply encouraging them to continue the fitness journey they started years ago."

The government has also launched a new national programme called Operation Reverse Migration, which encourages citizens to "follow the footprints back home."

To assist travelers, authorities have promised to paint arrows on trees pointing north.

Meanwhile, thousands of Zimbabweans in South Africa expressed mixed feelings about the plan.

One migrant worker in Johannesburg said he had expected a bus.

"I wasn't asking for a private jet," he explained. "I was hoping for at least a taxi. Now they are sending me a Google Maps screenshot and telling me to trust the process."

Others appeared more optimistic.

"I walked here in 2014," said another Zimbabwean. "The problem is that I no longer remember which bush I slept under."

Travel experts estimate that if all Zimbabweans in South Africa begin walking home simultaneously, the movement could become visible from space and qualify as Africa's largest-ever unofficial pilgrimage.

The Zimbabwean government, however, insists the initiative is not about saving money.

"It is about preserving tradition," officials said.

"We are a people of culture. Our citizens walked to South Africa. Their fathers walked to South Africa. Their grandfathers walked to South Africa. We believe future generations should experience the same heritage."

At press time, officials were reportedly considering charging toll fees on certain footpaths to help boost national revenue. One proposed fee would require travelers to pay two goats, three chickens, or proof that they once voted in an election.

Economists have already praised the plan as Zimbabwe's most ambitious transport strategy since somebody suggested fixing the roads.

Government sources say Phase Two of the programme will involve teaching returning citizens how to walk back to South Africa again should the economy fail to cooperate.

Officials described this as a "circular migration model" and "the ultimate renewable resource."

🤣🇿🇼🚶🏾‍♂️🚶🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♂️ This article is satire and intended purely for humor.